Drink up baby, look at the stars
I’ll kiss you again between the bars
1. Last weekend I almost called you but I didn’t want to bother you and my hands were shaking too hard to dial anyway.
2. I kissed a boy I met a few weeks ago. I swallowed my tears when he wasn’t looking and when I showed my mother a picture of the two of us, she told me he looks a lot like you.
3. I fell asleep on my best friend’s couch and she told me I was crying in my sleep the way I used to when I missed you.
4. Last night I was driving alone and the air felt like it did the first time you kissed me, when everything was cold except for us and cool air was hitting my teeth because I couldn’t stop smiling. I almost crashed the fucking car.
5. I was in the store today and I saw a keychain with your name on it and I bought it. I’ve been squeezing it in my hand so hard it’s leaving marks on my skin. There are still marks on my skin from the night you left. I’ve stopped thinking they’ll go away.
6. I watched your favorite movie 4 times today.
7. The boy I sit next to in English class smells like you.
8. I was just calling to see how your little brother is doing.
9. I stopped drinking peppermint tea because it tastes too much like the days we used to spend together. I also stopped sleeping.
10. You left some stuff at my house, maybe you should come pick it up and we can get coffee or something.
11. I play your favorite song a lot. I don’t even fucking like it."
1. We met in the waiting room of our therapist’s office. He told me that orchids symbolize death and stuck one behind my ear. I kissed him too hard and my mother asked me why the scent of liquor was hanging off all my clothes. 8 months later I left white oleanders on his grave. They’re poisonous. I think we were too.
2. He drove too fast and I played music too loud and kissed him while he drove. We were our own accident waiting to happen. We almost drowned one night when we fell into a lake in the middle of winter. When we fell in love. He left me a note telling me that being with me was like being alone. I deleted his number but kept it written down in the back of my old social studies notebook from middle school. I have called him 8 times since then.
3. God, I would’ve fucking died for him. In a few ways, I did.
4. He fucked someone else because he hated the way my scars would split open and bleed all over my clothes. I took a lot of pictures of him. They’re still in my attic. I tried to burn them once but my hair caught fire instead.
5. I never knew his middle name. He spoke in poetry and choked down cigarettes and never answered my calls. I held his hand too tightly. He would climb in my window and fall asleep next to me. I think he had nightmares most nights. My mother found out he was staying over and kicked him out. Everything stopped smelling like him. I hate it.
6. We tried to run away but we were only 16 and we weren’t allowed to buy train tickets so we took a bus but I got sick halfway and threw up my parent’s worried voicemails. He took me to some shitty motel and let me sleep while he went out to buy drugs. We went home and never saw each other again.
7. He would touch my best friend’s thigh under the table when we all went out. I pretended not to notice. He pretended to love me.
8. We wrote each other love letters and he cut my hair to my shoulders. He tasted like coffee with two packets of sugar because that’s all he drank. He was still tired all the time. I wish I could’ve woken him up. My hair is down to my waist now. I can’t remember the sound of his voice.
9. I’m not sure if I ever even loved him. I think I might’ve been so in love with him. He lived next door. Our mothers hated each other. When he was 6 he pulled the flowers out of the garden in our backyard. When we turned 17 he followed me home from school and kissed me. He would wipe away my tears when I cried. And then a new girl showed up at school and he started taking a different route home. He pulled all the flowers out of my fucking garden."
and I’ve got my father’s nose and his tendency to
stop calling back
so I’m sorry
about the 9 missed calls I have from you
and the 6 voicemails I never played
I swear I’d love you if I could"
1. I met a boy that tasted like blueberries during the summer of 2011. He taught me how to kiss and where to put my hands, and I was young, and maybe a little stupid and a tiny bit too trusting, but I felt everything.
2. I met a boy that tasted like cigarettes during the summer of 2012. He taught me how to inhale twice- once for the smoke, and the other for the head rush, and I was young, and maybe a little desperate and a tiny bit too lonely, but I felt everything.
3. I met a boy that tasted like gin during the summer of 2013. He taught me how to paint with watercolour and the art of avoiding a hangover, and I was young, and maybe a little empty and a tiny bit too sad, but I felt everything.
4. I met a boy that tasted like blood during the summer of 2014. He taught me how to kiss and where to put my hands, and how to smoke & paint with watercolour & the art of avoiding a hangover, & I was suddenly old and a lot bit heartbroken, and I couldn’t feel anything at all."